Living the Dream???

Many dream of a successful career, a high-powered position with a corner office and sure, after visiting the FBI office in Washington D.C. in 8th grade, I had dreams of being a strong and courageous, tough as nails, booty kicking FBI agent (this may explain most of my tv viewing choices), but really my dream has been to be a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM).  In April of 2006 I was able to realize that dream and for months I basked in the joy of being a new mom (and suffered the typical sleep deprivation - don't worry, I didn't forget).  Some of my best sleep (and savored moments) were from the hours of 7-9am when McGee would sleep curled up on my chest after his morning nursing.  Then we would get up, go for a walk and do whatever we wanted.  Some days I showered, some days I didn't, and yet...this was the dream and it truly was!

However, it didn't take long for this definition of SAHM to quickly morph into something a little different.  I was introduced to an amazing mom's group I began attending weekly, I started going back to Bible study every Thursday night, playdates were planned during weekday mornings, meals were made for new mom's or ill church members, I went back to working in the nursery at church, continued volunteering at the animal shelter, on and on it went and all of a sudden those care-free days of being a SAHM nearly vanished.  I had commitments, I had responsibilities, I had obligations...and I signed myself up for EACH and EVERY one of them!  I WANTED them!  I remember during that first year my husband making the statement, "You're supposed to be a stay-at-home-mom, but you're never at home."  I laughed it off at the time, but I see he was onto something.

Not long after came our dear Miss Em and did I slow it down?  Yes, a little.  The animal shelter rarely sees me anymore and I stepped down from some leadership roles, but wanting to contribute financially to our family I decided to throw in another part-time job of selling Pampered Chef.  It was fantastic - until Miss Em decided to refuse a bottle and cry at each and everyone of my cooking shows. 

Oh and then I finally figured out what this whole thing was about blogging - I couldn't even figure out for awhile what a "blog" was, but then I realized I could create one for free and use it to document our family and my thoughts, something I'd been doing for years with pen and paper, but I type much faster then I write.  Well what else could I do but sign up and start writing?! 

Then another lifelong dream was fulfilled...I finally had a single lens reflex camera!  Now I could really take my photography to the next level.  I became consumed with reading and learning more about photography and how to take the pictures I could see in my head.  After practicing, and practicing, and practicing, this past summer I decided to start up my own photography business.  It had been true for a couple of years, but I was finally willing to call myself a stay-at-home-working-mom (SAHWM) now that I had a job others actually knew about.

You see my entire life I've had a problem with wanting to DO everything, be a PART of everything and get INVOLVED with everything.  You can read more about that here.  Busy was typical and busy was ME.  Eventually this led to my eating disorder which you can learn more about here.

The problem with all this busyness is not in the activities themselves (who can argue that a Bible study is a bad use of time?), but in who I am and what makes up a good balance in my life.  I know there are plenty of women out there who do WAY more than I do, who have twice as many kids as I do and somehow they pull it all off and make it look so easy.  Comparing myself to these superwomen is what makes me feel inadequate, it's what makes ME want to make those Martha-Stewart-perfect little cupcakes or snacks for McGee's preschool class, want to be on time for everything, want to have the house clean and dinner planned, and want to be involved in everything under the sun.  Too bad I fail at all of these.

You see I've been trying to do that for awhile, I've been juggling things oh so carefully, trying to keep my head above the water, but today I dropped a ball.  Today the water came crashing over my head.  In hindsight it wasn't the biggest mistake ever.  I didn't forget to pick McGee up from school, I didn't leave Miss Em in the car while running an errand, but in my filled-to-the-brim-with-"to dos"-mind, I did forget something and it devastated my afternoon.  It shook me up a bit and although I've known it for quite some time, it became clear to me again part of what keeps me going when I know I shouldn't.

Some people fear spiders, the thought of flying may paralyze others, but my lifelong fear?  Disappointment.  I don't want to let other people down, I don't want to disappoint them.  I wasn't the most rebellious teen, but I do remember that making my parents mad wasn't as big a deal to me, but disappointing them?  That was devastating.

It's silly that at the age of 31 I still think I can go through life without disappointing people.  It's outrageous even to think that is possible!  I know I've said it before (and I'm saddened and embarrassed to see I've already written a post on this and not learned from my mistake), but I truly am going to try and get a little balance in my life and find what works for ME and MY family and not let myself get caught up in comparing myself to what others do.  I know God gives us seasons in our lives for everything and I don't want to look back on this time in my life as a SAHM and regret the way I spent my time.

This dream I had of being a stay-at-home-mom has snowballed into something so much more than I think it should be - and I'm yearning to go back to the basics a bit, back to that time with just my child/children and letting a little busyness be an addition to our life rather than taking it over.  I don't know how I'm going to get back there exactly, but I'm going to try, and I hope that anyone affected by this journey will not be disappointed. 

A Call Out

This blog began as a way for me to document my family's life, our memories and important thoughts I wanted to share with my kiddos.  This is still it's primary purpose but it has also been a place to share photos, random thoughts of mine and an avenue for connecting with other moms and bloggers all across the world.  Thus, I have plenty of readers that I do not know personally.  This I do not mind, I especially love when my loyal readers comment, it's a way to get to know one another in this big 'ole blogosphere.  

I do however have one reader that I am calling out tonight.  This reader is from Bangalore, Karnataka and I know he/she checks my blog daily and comes directly to this site (not from a link up or random google search).  I do not, however, recall receiving any comments by this reader.  Who are you?  What is it about my little blog that you like?  I'd love to hear from you and get to know more.

As a mom and a blogger, there are plenty of concerns regarding how much information I put out "here" and the pictures I have of my children.  I would never want to endanger my children nor have their photos be used in anyway other than intended on MY blog, but I have also wanted this blog to be open, to be a place to encourage others and share with others.  I'd hate to make this blog a private blog, where only invited users could view it after providing a password, that just isn't me and to tell you the truth I'm not sure people would care enough to jump through the hoops just to see our little blog if it were to go private.  However I AM interested in WHO my readers are and what they like about my blog.  If you are a regular reader (or just passing through), would you mind leaving me a little comment telling me a bit about yourself (anything really) and what it is you enjoy from this blog?

And just because I don't care for posts without pictures - have you seen this one before?  I just came across it tonight and it made me laugh:

Thanks & Blessings,

Frumpy State of Mind

 
Yesterday afternoon I was in a funk.  Filled with mixed emotions that had been building up inside me all day: a dash of depression, a tablespoon of anxiety and a whole cup full of frumpiness.  Now Webster's online dictionary defines this as, "dowdy, drab" and Urban Dictionary.com defines frumpy as, "A female with lack of concern for appearance.  Often characterized by sweatpants, frizzy hair, gramma panties and a paisty complexion".  This last definition makes me laugh - I suppose insecurities in my appearance did play into a small part of my frumpiness.  My frumpiness however, is how I describe myself when I'm feeling all anxious, tight, slightly nauseous but craving chocolate and completely scattered and on the verge of tears.  

 (Whaaaaa--aaaa--)

Does anyone else ever feel this way?  No one particular event sparked this feeling, it slowly arrived at my door, snowballing as the day went on until it became apparent to my husband (who has x-ray vision into my heart and insides by the way - it can be SUPER frustrating sometimes when I just want to HIDE).

So hubby wanted me to share with him what was going on, as usual I really couldn't put my feelings succinctly into words and told him I couldn't because I'd probably start crying and I needed to go pick the boys (McGee & my nephew) from Vacation Bible School and didn't need wondering glances from others at my freshly-cried face.  Wonderful hubby that he is, he said he'd pick the boys up so I could cry or do whatever I needed to feel better and then we'd talk when he got home.  

A few minutes after he left the phone rang and it was him suggesting I get out some paper and write down all of those things that were overwhelming me and that maybe it would help me unload the burden some.  HELLO - genius!  He also thought it would help me to be able to share it with him better later.  


Right away I sat down to this task and was amazed as I wrote out each concern, responsibility, task and thought that was running through my mind and squeezing my insides, with each line my hubby was right!  My burden was lifted, the anxiety and fear were released from me and my perspective and attitude, which were not of the "loving happy wife and mom" genre, quickly changed and became healthier and more balanced.

What a simple task - writing down your fears, your worries, your regrets.  I had no idea it would have such a healing and encouraging effect on me!  Am I the only one who gets overwhelmed with the responsibilities, distractions and options that the world offers and requires of women/mothers/wives/daughters/friends?  If you are feeling overwhelmed or "frumpy", I encourage you to take my hubby's advice and write it all down and I hope it will help you as it has helped me.


Even better, take the advice of Beth Moore, renowned Bible teacher and author, in her "Believing God" workbook:

"We have never been more fragmented or lived in a society that demanded more pieces of us.  How can a person who is giving a thousand pieces of herself to innumerable demands and desires ever know wholeness?  The Lord Jesus Christ offers us the one and only way to wholeness: giving ourselves wholly to Him, inviting His healing, and trusting Him to apportion our energies, gifts and talents in their most effective ways.  Every fish.  Every loaf.  Withholding nothing.  We give Christ our all.  And with it He does the impossible."

Christ IS all we need.

Interestingly enough, when hubby arrived home from VBS and took a look at my list (front and back) he laughed sweetly and said, "Only YOU would take writing out your feelings and make it into a "to do" list of things to check off.  My little multi-tasker."  It's true - but what a great list to start checking off!  Already today there are 3 things checked off and I gave the day to Christ and didn't feel the slightest bit "frumpy".

Wishing you a BLESSED and FRUMPY-FREE weekend!

Checking In...

It's our first week of summer now that Daddy is done with work and we've been filling our time with lots of cuddles, tickles and LOTS of reading.  Unfortunately McGee has had a 101 fever the last couple of days (Miss Em had this last week) so he's been a bit more whiny, needy and lethargic, but oh so sweet.  He looks at me with his half open eyes, strokes my cheek and says, "Mommy, are you okay?"

I was super excited when I checked my email Tuesday morning to find out that I won the photography scholarship contest on Brooke Snow's blog - thank you ALL who voted for me!  I can't wait to participate in her upcoming photography workshop and continue improving my photography skills.

Saturday morning I'll be attending the local I Heart Faces Photowalk along with my friend Lisa.  I'm not sure exactly what to expect but am looking forward to a few hours with fellow photo buffs and the opportunity to talk shop.

Once again Costco did a great job of customer service today.  Last month I purchased a new Gateway computer package for them and I've been LOVING having a computer with more power, speed and most importantly SPACE!  Unfortunately, the monitor had a few areas with dead pixels and although it's not usually allowed, they let me just swap out my defective monitor with one from a new package so I didn't have to go through the HUGE hassle of transitioning to a new computer again.  You don't really think about it, but it takes a lot of time to transfer files, upload software, download protective software, etc. when you get a new computer.  Thank you Costco!
So that's what has been going on here - what has been going on with all of you?

Giddy Indulgence

It's been awhile since Daddy and I have sat down and watched a movie, with nothing else to do (i.e. no coupon clipping, paper purging, toe nail painting, etc.).  Tonight we indulged and I spent the last 2 hours giggling my head off at "The Proposal" with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds.  This was actually the last movie we saw together at the theaters as well and Daddy took me on my 30th birthday (you know you get in FREE on your birthday right?).

I loved it then and I love it now.  I am a sarcastic girl, seriously, sarcastic.  Blame my cousin Joel, blame my married into family, blame my wacky personality, but sarcasm is my type of humor and Ryan Reynolds is the best at it!  They cast this movie perfectly and I enjoyed my little break tonight, my escape and my opportunity to giggle - dare I say, laugh, my head off!

I hope you enjoy some great laughter this week as well.

Location, Location, Location

Orange County...our old stomping ground and "home" for some of the best 5 years of our lives.  I'm sure to those in the field of realty, Orange County is a prime location.  Daddy and I went to college at a private Christian university here and continued living in the "OC" for another year after graduation.  When looking into colleges and trying to decide where to attend, I remember thinking specifically about what the campus would look like in my head.  Curiously, growing up in "the foothills" I really wanted a flat campus in the college I would choose.  Strange requirement I know.

Early on I thought Pepperdine in Malibu would be a great school (who wouldn't?), but after visiting I didn't care for the hillside campus and it just didn't feel "right" to me.  Loyola Marymount had the lush, green and flat campus that appealed to me, but it wasn't until visiting Southern California College (now Vanguard University) that I truly found the picturesque, sunny, flat and friendly campus that felt like "home" to me.

Over the next five years Orange County was my home and I loved it!  I loved the sunshine, the beaches, the frozen yogurt (I <3 America's Cup - which is like Big Spoon WAY before Big Spoon came to be), Back Bay was my favorite place to run and Laguna Beach my favorite place for our Easter picnics.  I loved the shopping (thrift stores, South Coast Plaza - and IKEA was every college student's dream), the plethora of cultural dining options and the $3 movies.  Daddy and I would go on dates to Barnes & Noble in Triangle Square or grab a $5 pizza at LaVentina's and take it down to Balboa Beach for dinner.  Our first year of marriage we enjoyed Haus of Pizza on Harbor & Adams and the occasional splurge at Lonestar Steakhouse or take-out from Newport Rib Company.  Starbucks was a great place for studying (oh the thousands of pages I read in accounting books!).  Have I mentioned the friends?  The friends of course MADE these 5 years the best, without the friendships we would have just been living in a nice town, but the friendships are what made the OC our home and left with me with such deep rooted, joyful, nostalgic feelings.

All of this to say...while driving down to Disneyland on our recent vacation I was overcome with how excited I was to be back.  I think my dad probably thought I was a little psycho as I drove happily through the 405 freeway traffic, giddier with each passing mile that we grew closer to what was once so familiar to me.  It didn't seem like it had been 8 years since we'd moved away, it felt and looked like I was just returning from another holiday vacation with the family up north.

For our weeks vacation we stayed at my parents' timeshare resort which was perfect!  It had two bedrooms, a living area, dining room, balcony, 2 amazing pools (including a kiddie pool), 4 hot tubs (2 on the roof overlooking Disneyland) and it was only minutes from Disneyland by shuttle.  Having the kitchen made it super economical for meals - we brought yogurt, cereal and toast for breakfasts and I made sandwiches and snacks for our day at Disneyland.  The kids really enjoyed the pool and it was fun for me to look out the balcony and see my old office a mile up the road overlooking Anaheim Stadium.

 The day after Disneyland was our planned "beach day" and as we drove along the 55 freeway to Newport Beach on the spur of the moment I asked my dad to pull off on Fair Drive so I could just take a quick look at what the campus, my college home, looked like.  I figured it had changed a lot in the last few years and was pleasantly surprised to find that with the exception of a new large academic center and classroom building, little had changed.  I hopped out to take a few pics for nostalgia sake and my dad convinced me to stop by the bookstore to find little t-shirts for my kids.  They didn't have any children's apparel, but I did find an alumni sweatshirt for myself that I love and a Father's Day gift for Daddy - a new stainless steel mug so that he will hopefully stop using the old cracked, plastic ones we still have from our Back-to-School "mugging" each Fall to take his water to work each day.

Driving around Irvine, Santa Ana, Costa Mesa, Newport Beach....so many memories flashed through my mind.  I thought of the town homes I looked at with a realtor when we thought we'd buy a home.  One in particular we very seriously considered buying and I contemplated how different our lives would be right now if we had gone through with it.  For starters, I can't imagine there are any single-income families in Orange County, so I probably would still be working, have my CPA license and maybe be a supervisor at the CPA firm I worked at.  Would Daddy be teaching or working in the high end audio/visual world like he was, installing A/V equipment for multi-million and billionaires?  With me working would we have children yet?  If we did, what kind of childcare would they be receiving and how good of a mother/wife would I be during tax season working 60-70+ hours a week? How often would we get to see our families?  Would I be driving that silver BMW that I had my eye on back when and would Daddy have taken the time to pursue his passion for music?  How tan would my white body be with the beach so close?  Okay, this last one was really a joke, it doesn't matter how close the beach is if you're working all of the time.  

These various thoughts spun through my mind, but despite a quick lapse in judgement while enjoying the perfect sun on Balboa Beach (Daddy called and I told him to start packing because we were going to move), I realized and was thankful for one fact...we are exactly where we are supposed to be.

We are blessed in the comfortable home that we have, the amazing friendships we have found and fostered here nurture our souls and make us better people.  Having our families near is a blessing so large that it cannot even be put into words and having the ability for me to stay home and be a mother...well that is the deepest desires of my heart being met.  It's so easy to always see the grass as being greener on the other side of the hill, to look at the past through rose colored glasses and fill your head with "if only's", but despite our unknown future (Daddy has 7 days left of work) we are left not merely content with where we are, but thankful and excited to see where God will lead us as the rest of our story unfolds.

My Perfect Life

It's 8:30 a.m. Monday morning and I have our dinner in the Crockpot, my second load of laundry in the dryer and my first load folded and put away, the kids have been fed crackers and peanut butter plus whole-grain cereal and milk and their rooms, dressers and closets are completely cleaned out and organized.  I've made the business calls that needed to be made today and started cleaning up our office desk.  It's going to be a fabulous day - and it's Monday!

Oh no!  Have I fallen and become one of those blogs where the writer shares how perfect she and her life are??  You know the ones where you love to read them but always come away feeling like you just don't measure up?  Wondering - why can't I be super organized, the ultimate cook, Martha Stewart decorator, have a house cleaner then Mr. Clean's, look as perky and cute as Meg Ryan (the "You've Got Mail" version, not the mid 2000s version) and homeschool my amazingly well-mannered and genius children like SHE does?

Well don't you worry, this blog will NEVER become like that, because well, it's written by ME and I am far from the perfect homemaker/wife/mother/daughter/friend. 

In fact, my family room is filled up with our outdoor chair covers and lots of ride-along vehicles to kept them all dry from the rain, my sink is full of dirty dishes, I'm still in my pajamas with unwashed make-up on my face from yesterday and I'm a day behind (or two) in my Bible study - and we just started it last week!  I'm also a day late on my "Mother's Day" post and have an office that would make anyone who detests clutter squirm.

Ahhh...that's much better.  More like my blog.  More comfortable and relaxing, less perfect and condemning.  Welcome and I hope you have a great day too!  Happy Monday!

Spring Hibernation

We've been back from vacation for almost a week now and I feel like the kids and I have kind of been hibernating.  Just enjoying a week full of days at home, with nothing to do and no particular goals of things to get done around the house.

We were supposed to go to Mom's Connection on Tuesday, but McGee woke up coughing so hard he threw up and I woke up with an extremely sore throat.  As the day wore on I decided maybe these symptoms were something more along the lines of allergies so yesterday I took McGee in to see his pediatrician and she declared his lungs clear and agreed with my allergy diagnosis.  I bought some Children's Zyrtec from the pharmacy and some generic Claritin for myself (it was cheaper) and we came home ready to take our first commercial allergy meds.  A day later and I'm not sure they have helped at all!  Instead I am attempting to vacuum, dust and clear the house of allergens today in hopes that we'll be runny nose, cough and sneeze free soon.  I'm also going to be on the hunt for some locally grown bee honey which I hear can be quite helpful in taming seasonal allergies that are so common to our area.

How has your week been?

I began a new Beth Moore Bible study this week called "Believing God" and am excited to get better acquainted with many new ladies I haven't had the pleasure to call "friend" before.  I also won $10 at bunco last night - woot woot!

I have lots of blog posts in the works - finishing out the birthday celebrations, our vacation (Disneyland, the beach, Pretend City) and look for a new Not Me! Monday post on...you guessed it, Monday.  I wish you all a wonderful rest of the week and weekend - God is good and His mercies are new every morning!

My dad and mom were by briefly earlier this week and my dad noticed our roses were just bursting with color - thought I'd share them with you too.  Enjoy!

Mickey & Minnie Celebrate!

I admit it.  I am not the cool, clever mom who comes up with incredible themes for the birthday parties and goes all out with handmade invites, dozens of different foods and treats, a fabulous homemade-but-looks-bakery-made cake, or goodie bags the kids go gaga over.  I recently saw this post from a 3rd birthday party where the mom made each and every child a homemade shirt and was SO thankful I no longer lived in Orange County where the social norm is to go crazy financially (and creatively) to celebrate your little ones birthday.

Don't get me wrong, it would be fun to attend these parties, but I just don't have the time, energy, creativity or finances to go overboard for the birthdays.  To tell you a little secret, just between you and me, I don't even think kids need or should get "goodie bags" when they attend birthday parties *gasp*!  I kind of like the idea of teaching my children that birthdays are about celebrating the birthday person, showering them with gifts, kind words and special treats, and not about what they'll get to take home in their goodie bag.  Our society is already so consumed with "me"-isms, wouldn't it be nice to reinforce thinking of others without expecting something in return?

Okay now here is where I get down off my soapbox and confess that I have caved to society and have given goodie bags out at my childrens' birthday parties, but that doesn't mean I will always continue to do so.  I've also done "themes" for their parties and made (or had my husband make) a theme-decorated cake that turned out pretty cute if I do say so myself.

I actually have a unique set of circumstances when celebrating our children's birthdays because they are born just 2 yrs. and twelve days apart.  Thus, we combine celebrating them both at one party (well one for the friends and one for the family - so two parties actually for the accountants out there).  This makes "theming" the party a little difficult.  You see if we had two boys we could easily do trucks, cars, dinosaurs, trains, Spiderman, etc., etc.  If we had two girls we could do princesses, butterflies, ponies, or a tea party.  The thing is...we have a boy and a girl so coming up with a theme to accommodate both has been challenging to this non-creative mom.  So...for the last two years we have had the SAME THEME - Mickey and Minnie Mouse!  It works for both of them and especially this year since we are going to Disneyland!

Wow that was a VERY LONG lead-in to share their birthdays with you!  Here are highlights from their friends birthday party:

The morning of McGee's birthday started with Mickey Mouse pancakes and ended with a party!

The grub:

The "goodie bags" and game prizes:

An awesome sign my friend Mary made:

Musical scrapbook papers:

The goggles seemed to be a big hit as a prize:

The kids playing - and making the house a mess (to be expected of course):

Our Minnie Mouse birthday girl:

The cake:

I made Pioneer Woman's The Best Chocolate Sheet Cake. Ever. and topped it with a yummy helping of That's The Best Frosting I've Ever Had.  They were rich and wonderful!

Sadly I did not have an in-focus birthday candle shot of the two:

I did capture the eating though:

Our Sunshine Family

Present time!

McGee was SO excited to get his GeoTrax train set:

The birthday girl threw a little fit because she didn't want to sit and open presents:

Starting to get into it, but you can see a little reluctant pout hanging on:

SO excited for her Minnie Mouse plate!

Ready to cruise on her new Mickey Mouse tricycle with her new Nike hat:

Attempting a shot of all the kids:

Another attempt:

Papa helping set-up the GeoTrax train set

A very happy boy - all her wanted for his birthday was a train

A fabulous rainbow to McGee's great birthday!

Just Too Much

I want.  I desire.  I fail.

All of my life I have wanted to do just about everything.  My parents can correct me if I'm wrong, but I remember being involved in almost all sports available in our small town, dance, GATE, Odyssey of the Mind, drama, Girl Scouts and probably a few other things when I was young.  In high school it was much of the same, Daddy (my high school sweetie) barely enjoyed having lunch with me as I had meetings much of the time for some group/council of some sort or another.  Add in sports, trying to keep up grades in the Honors classes I was in and a high school love life and I was a BUSY girl!  All of this played a part in my struggle with an eating disorder that you can read about here.   

I remember my mom asking me once, "Do we put too much pressure on you?"  The answer then (and now) has always been, "No."  I was just born with too many interests, too many things I wanted to be a part of, join in on, learn and experience.  I'm no wild adventurer by any means - despite a childhood dream to be an FBI agent, you will not find me traveling all over the world (money and an amazing family kind of limit this for now), bungy-jumping, sky-diving, or eating sushi.  I'm really just a homebody, but still I find I want to do more than I can or should.  Oh and then once I've done all of that I want to lay on the couch or soak in the tub and totally escape with a good book or movie.

The problem I'm finding is that all of this interest requires too much time - I CAN'T DO IT ALL!  I don't mean being superwoman, supermom, superwife or superfriend, I just mean I've come to realize I don't have TIME to do all of the things I WANT to do.  This (and the New Year) leads me to a place of having to evaluate my priorities and deciding what things I want MOST and accepting the fact that all of the others need to be forgotten or at least put off for awhile until they fit into our life at a later time or phase.  Let me just tell you that this ACCEPTING part is not going to be easy for me.  In fact, I think it will be a downright daily struggle that I will only conquer with the help of the Lord and His Word.  However, I'm looking forward to the peace that I know will come and the blessings this next year will bring for my family and I.  I can't say I've made any New Years resolutions, but I do have hopes for 2010.

Wowsers!

I can't believe it! I just logged in to see what I've been missing in the blogosphere tonight and found out I won not one, but TWO blog giveaways this week! Incredible!

On a family note - my mom came down and helped me take the kids in for Miss Em's 18 month check up. She is now 24lbs. and almost 31 inches long! That puts her in about the 46th percentile for weight and 24th percentile for height. Interestingly her good 'ole noggin (aka head) circumference was nealy 19 inches putting her in the 79th percentile. Must be all those numbers, letters and words she is cramming in there that is expanding her knowledge! Overall the doctor thinks she looks great and her hydronephrosis seems to be staying steady as of the last ultrasound, but we'll meet with the nephrologist in the middle of next month to see his thoughts on her condition. As part of her routine check up she did receive 3 vaccinations today and although we debated it heavily, I did end up having her get a seasonal flu shot today as well at her pediatrician's recommendation (not the H1N1). If any of you are reading this tonight - please pray for her as she has had a slight reaction it seems and her right thigh (the injection site) is red and swollen and seems to be quite painful for her. We called the advice nurse, gave her a warm bath then cold compresses (per the advice nurses recommendation) and she is resting peacefully so far tonight. Hopefully it will be all better tomorrow. I'm trying not to doubt myself and my decision tonight.

Tuesdays Unwrapped

A blog I follow has a regular post called Tuesdays Unwrapped. Although I don't believe I've ever participated, on occasion I have read some of the entries and have been intrigued by the idea of seeing my life through thankful eyes and unwrapping the gifts of the everyday. Taken from a post in September:

Tuesdays are set aside around here to take time to share a moment that may have otherwise disappeared under the pile of daily tasks. Instead, we stop, notice and we are thankful.

Tonight as I was in the kitchen enjoying the laughs and giggles of McGee and Daddy playing hide-and-seek throughout the house I realized that today has been a treasured gift. From waking to the pelting rain and blustery winds with a sweet little hand caressing my cheek and asking me to wake up and put on some cartoons, to the time spent cleaning up after dinner while my family played, I have received a blessed gift today.

Here is a little run down of this perfectly wrapped package:

- wake to my adorable son and cuddle with him on the couch for an extra 1/2 hour of sleep for me and snuggles with mommy and cartoons for him

- arrive to Mom's Connection ON TIME and have both children dropped off at their nursery classes without any whining or crying

- wonderful time of food and fellowship with the amazing women in my small group

- picking up smiling happy-faced children and learning of the fun they had (and snuggles for Miss Em) in their classes, despite also receiving a report that McGee had a little issue with talking too much and telling everyone "I'm a monster!" when it was time to be quite. Oops! I'm afraid this may be a common complaint from teachers in our future, as she also said he kind of wanted to try and teach the class himself. :)

- arriving home safely despite the extreme winds and rain, flooding and downed trees

- an unexpected call from a dear long-distance friend and the news that they'll be adopting a little girl in February! Praise the Lord! I just enjoyed our conversation so much and let the kids play an extra 1/2 hour after they should have been sleeping because I didn't want to get off the phone. Love you Bekah!

- McGee having to get up only once during nap to "go potty". While he was sitting there he said, "Why is it raining and so windy?" Then he laughs and says, "That's so silly! They're outside there playing, the rain and wind are friends!"

- Enjoying a nice nap myself amidst the storm raging outside and then being slightly awakened every now and then by the laughs and squeals of McGee and Miss Em playing with Daddy who must have gotten them up from their naps so I could keep sleeping

- Spotting a beautiful rainbow outside our window while preparing dinner and discussing with McGee the promise God gives us in each rainbow we see. McGee said, "Is the rainbow hungry?" Me - "No I don't think it eats." McGee - "I think it's hungry. I'm going to feed it some dinner so it doesn't get tired and go away. I just need a balloon to take me high in the sky so I can feed it."

- Delicious dinner of tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, a favorite rainy day meal. Heard Miss Em speak more and more as she said, "I'm thirsty" and copied many things McGee said all day.

- Finished off the night with some good old "Hide & Seek" fun for McGee & Daddy and Miss Em just loved running all over the place laughing. After the dishes were done I joined in on the games and just can't express how much this unhurried, relaxed, downtime with my family is a gift that should never be taken for granted. Daddy gave the kids a bath and readied them for bed as I put a fresh apple crisp in the oven for us to enjoy once the kids were down.

I hope today brought you blessings as well and that you'll join me in appreciating the tiny gifts in the everyday moments we have.

Forgotten But Not Lost

I just sat down and started typing out my latest blog post (this fantastic entry), when I heard McGee's door open and his little feet patter down the hallway. He poked his head in the office and I gave him a hug, a bit disappointed he only napped for an hour and my writing time has been cut short. I say, "Mommy's writing right now, so maybe you can go out and cuddle with Daddy." He says, "Hey I have an idea, I can watch." He's been very interested in letter, writing and spelling this week so I understand him wanting to watch me "write", but then I explained that really I'm "writing" on the computer and then he lost interest. Now I hear him with his pens and paper in the living room spelling with Daddy. Yay for me - more writing time! Yay for him - more Daddy time! Anyway...onto my post for today.

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I just came back from a bridal shower for a new friend and it was in this beautiful custom home on the river. Inside and out this home was elegant and the backyard was green and lush (all 3 of their daughter's plus others have been married there under the ivy covered arch) and the lovely deck was actually hanging over the serene water. If it hadn't been 100 degrees out today I think I could have spent all afternoon relaxing in the peaceful setting. Ahhh...one day I MUST have a home on the water again (my childhood home and parent's current home has a creek behind it).

Since this was a new friend I didn't really know anyone else there besides one of the hostesses (also a VERY new friend) and found myself struggling at the unfamiliar awkwardness that can come of sitting in a room full of very lovely strangers and not knowing who to talk to or what to say. Mostly I just sat there admiring every square inch of the room and it's decor, the detailed crown molding, oil paintings, grand piano, armoir, marble covered buffet, embroidered pillows, antique couch and wing-back chairs and the alluring wrought iron dress form covered in an ultra-feminine vintage wedding gown and veil. Anything to look at besides sitting there with a smile on my face feeling out of place. Eventually I did enjoy some conversations with a few women, they were mostly older women from the bride-to-be's Bible study group. The food was delicious, a delectably cheesy sausage croissant casserole, fresh fruit and muffins, but of course, the best part was the gifts.

It was so much fun to see gift after gift of new white serving platters, china, gravy boats, bowls, curtains, rugs, cookie sheets, square wicker storage box/ottoman, aprons, pot holders, cake stands, cupcake carrier, decorator and stand and numerous lacy sweet nothings for the honeymoon. Watching her open each gift reminded me of the excitement and joy in receiving so many wonderful gifts nine years ago (has it really been that long?) when I was the bride-to-be. I'll admit it, a slight twinge of envy ran through me as I thought of all of the dishes and finer things that haven't been touched these last few years since we've had kids. Of the drawer full of sweet nothings that I rarely wear and the crystal candleholders and vanilla scented candles that I never burn. The good glasses that sit hidden away in my hutch for fear of breaking them. Really, what good are they doing in there? What good is any of this stuff if we're not using it and enjoying it? I was reminded of the three-part dish we registered for at Crate & Barrel and received. Can you believe they are still selling the exact same thing at the exact SAME price?! No inflation at Crate & Barrel apparently. I was so excited when we opened it and was sure it would be filled many times in our future with all of the entertaining we would be doing. That same dish was a casualty of Miss Em a few months ago as she got into the hutch and banged a cut-crystal creamer bowl into it and shattered the side. Believe it or not (I know you believe it if you've read any of my Not Me Mondays!), I took a picture of the broken dish, but despite searching all over my catalog of photos I've decided it must have been the ONE picture I've actually deleted in the last year because I couldn't find it. Did life stop the moment this dish was broken? Nope, didn't even change in the least!

My point is, just because we have children and get used to using plastic plates and wearing stained clothes thanks to precious sticky fingers, there is no excuse for storing away and not using the wonderful gifts we received for our wedding and bridal showers. Sure they need to be used wisely, i.e. not serving Miss Em in one of our nice glasses that I guarantee she would toss from her highchair and shatter to pieces, but I've decided today that depriving ourselves (mostly me really, not sure Daddy is too torn up about not using the china for dinner) of some of these niceties of the grown-up world is just wrong and if I'm not going to use it then I should just put it up for sale in our garage sale next weekend.

My goal this week - clean out the cupboards and start using some of our wedding gifts. Anyone else want to join me in enjoying the finer things of life in the everyday?

Remembered Well - Allison Fry Miller

Today was a difficult day. I attended a Celebration of Life for an old friend and teammate who recently passed away. Death is an inevitable event that touches all of our lives at some point or another, but I've been overwhelmed by how emotional I've been in regards to this loss. Allison was not my best friend, in fact, she was a grade behind me and I haven't even spoken to her in probably 10 years. Yet her tragic death has had me in tears many times over the last few days.

Growing up in a small town, everyone seems to know everyone else and Allison and I have known each other probably since kindergarten/first grade, if not pre-school. Her dad was my teacher for half of 3rd grade (I got pulled into a 2nd/3rd combo halfway through the year) and then again for 6th grade. Allison and I played softball and basketball together and in high school we were on the traveling Gold Strikkers softball team and her dad coached my senior year.

In his talk at her service today, her dad recalled how Allison made a crucial throw from deep in the outfield to get a player out at home. That game was part of a tournament in which (if my memory serves me right) we started early in the morning and ended up playing 5 games that day, the last of which ended with our winning the tournament a little after midnight (we were flying high on adrenaline)! This tournament win qualified us to compete at National's in Phoenix, AZ where we played in 115 degree weather (no joke - it was HOT!) and had a fantastic trip despite not placing in the tournament. Allison was an amazing outfielder and a reliable batter as well. For some reason when I think of her I think of her having the most RBIs (runs batted in) - not sure if this is correct or not, but in both softball and basketball she was an incredible athlete and competitor.

Victorious at about 12:30 a.m. - Phoenix here we come!

Allison was only 29 years old, two months away from turning 30. Since the cause of death was not really known her father decided to address it to everyone in hopes of helping others and sharing a bit of Allison's struggles over the last 10 years. It was so difficult to hear some of what made up the last 10 years of her life.

In college at age 19 she started struggling with the eating disorder anorexia and battled it fiercely, going back and forth between healthy and unhealthy periods in her life. While stationed in Korea with the Army she met her husband and love of her life. Based on all he and her father shared today, it sounded like they had a very dynamic and happy courtship and wedding. A driven and strong woman, she worked hard and ultimately became a crew chief for a Blackhawk helicopter squad (she was the only girl) and was stationed in Iraq for a time. Her husband shared what a commited soldier she was and how over and over she impressed all she encountered in the military with her skills and passion for protecting and serving this country. After Iraq she suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and was discharged and given full disability from the VA.

Tragically she and her husband lost their son Collin from SIDS (I'm not sure how old he was, but I think he was somewhere between 8-12 months old). I think it was this horrendous loss that spurred her to turn to alcohol to cope and ultimately she became an alcoholic (her father shared her grandparents had both been alcoholics). Considering what a strong woman Allison was, her father said if she had only suffered one disease she might have been able to conquer it, but battling anorexia, alcoholism and post traumatic stress disorder was too much for Allison and she ended up dying because of malnutrition.

Hearing what caused her ultimate death, an eating disorder, really hit home as I can recall the first moment when I began the struggle with bulimia. It was during a softball tournament, after eating pizza between games, I thought the pizza would make me fat and weigh me down so I wouldn't be able to run as fast and steal bases. I made the decision to go in the bathroom and make myself throw it up so it would no longer be in my system and therefore, I'd be faster for our next game. How naive and ignorant was I? This began a cycle that made the scale both my friend and foe. I'd be excited each time I saw how much weight I'd lost, but I'd also be disappointed when it wasn't more and the need for more exercise and more purging would be stronger and stronger. I can't tell you exactly how much weight I lost, but I know at my lowest I weighed in the low 90s or high 80s and for my frame (short but not skinny) this was definitely not healthy. The acidity from vomiting wore away enamel from my teeth, I lost hair, I lost muscle and I think it's possible I probably did some long term damage to my immune system as well. Did I care? Not really. Each time someone commented on how skinny I was it made me feel good even when they weren't commenting in a positive way. I recall one Varsity soccer tournament when my friend Tighe (we didn't have a girls team so I played with the boys) commented how he didn't like how skinny I was getting. He meant well, but it only fed my desire to keep losing weight. Ultimately God had blessed me with an incredible boyfriend (now my husband) who found out and said if I didn't tell my parents then he was going to. I told my parents and they found a support group for me and despite temptation to go back on a few occasions, I haven't had any urges to venture down that destructive path again. I SO wish Allison had been able to turn from the disease as well.


Many people stood up and shared about Allison today and there were key words used to describe her that I heard over and over: kind, hard working, intense, strong, fearless, "great friend", "lived every moment to it's fullest", "never said anything bad about anyone", "lights up a room". All of these correlate precisely with my memories of Allison. When I think of Allison, a picture of her shy, bright smile instantly pops into my head. She was remembered well and it's the thought that this lovely, caring and energetic woman is no longer here to help make this world better that makes tears spring so quickly to my eyes. I've struggled a bit this week feeling guilty actually and undeserving of mourning her death so deeply since we weren't the best of friends or even in contact. I've come to realize I have been mourning many things: the deep loss her parents, brother and husband must be feeling, the loss she and her husband endured in the tragic death of their son, regret over not having kept in touch after high school, and the fact that as far as I know, through all of her struggles, she didn't know her Savior - didn't feel His strength when she was feeling weak, didn't hear His loving encouragement when she was feeling low, didn't relax in the comfort of His peace when the pain was unbearable and wasn't able to press onward with the HOPE that only He can give. "He himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by His wounds you have been healed." - 1 Peter 2:24

Oh how I wish Allison had known the Lord's healing!

Pet Peeves

While I was cleaning our kitchen and dining room floors tonight and thinking of the many other chores still undone (the joys of returning from vacation), I was thinking about how much I despise cleaning the stovetop. As I spritzed the cleaner and pushed my terry cloth mop on my wonderful laminate floors, I started thinking of the chores I like the least and things that just bug me, my pet peeves, and how I should start adding a pet peeve at the bottom of my blog post weekly or something like that. Can you tell I was in a bit of a negative state of mind, badly needing an attitude adjustment?

Well as soon as this thought completed itself in my mind, the Lord reminded me how blessed I am that I have and can cook for my babies on that stove. That the reason it needs cleaning is not some conspiracy to thwart any plans of relaxation I had or to be a thorn in my side, but because it was used in preparing sustenance for myself and my family. Furthermore, the Lord reminded me that my husband cooked dinner tonight, and how blessed I am to have a man that loves his family and enjoys sharing the cooking in our family.

What other responsibilities do I take for granted and think of as burdens or pet peeves that are actually things that I should be grateful and appreciative for? Are there things you take for granted and underappreciate the significance of?